Yesterday, in the second week of March, I woke up to this:
Now, I appreciate that something similar is going on back home right now, and that's it's not really fair to judge a place based on its weather, but I had hoped that Bedburg would have warmed up a bit by now. Indeed, there are times when I wish I'd chosen to spend my year abroad in Nice or St. Tropez or Martinique or French Guiana or Tahiti or pretty much anywhere that isn't quite so relentlessly, achingly cold as the Rhineland can be at times. Or somewhere that's more sympathetic to my rugby-watching needs, has more choice in terms of cuisine than Turkish or Italian and doesn't force everyone to turn up to school when the world looks like the above picture. It must be said that France would fulfill all of those criteria.
Having thought it over, however, I'm fairly certain I made the right choice. And in true German fashion, I will now proceed to make an ordered list explaining why:
The Way of Life
The Germans seem to have this one figured out pretty well. Beginning at a grass roots level this can be seen in the fact that their workers don't go on strike at every conceivable opportunity, instead actually choosing to work ridiculous amounts of overtime in order to keep the world's biggest export nation producing at full speed. It pays off: some of the electricity from the Rheinenergie towers behind me that churn out power 365 days a year will ultimately find its way to Belgium, the Netherlands, France and even the UK. Further up the chain, Frau Merkel has basically ensured the country will never go bankrupt, thanks to some slightly dodgy economic scheme involving selling shares in the actual government. Yes, Germany is basically funding the whole of the EU right now, but no-one really cares or even notices.
99% of the final-year students I teach have something already set up for when they leave school: from university places to training schemes to apprenticeships in industry. Even those aged 14 or 15 have a pretty good idea of at least the area they want to go into. The whole work ethic of the county should be an example to other nations in Europe.
Elsewhere, personal health plays a far bigger role than in most countries - there are probably more PE teachers at my school than in any other subject, the local gym is in use 24 hours a day, and overweight children are allowed to miss school in order to attend weight loss courses, often for up to six weeks at a time. I couldn't see that happening in the UK - no wonder they always destroy us at football. All this despite the constant stream of salt, starch and red meat that makes up the typical German diet.
Pictured: how to stay thin, apparently.
The Culture
As all language assistants will know, there are long periods of time in the year when absolutely nothing is happening. My solution for this was to dive into German TV, which served the added purpose of perfecting my listening ability. I've seen it all: cartoons from the magnificent (Phineas and Ferb, Oggy and the Cockroaches) to the moronic (Horseland, feature-length Barbie specials), police shows where every single "criminal" was clearly an actor and soaps that make Hollyoaks look like Quentin Tarantino.
The one situation where looking like Quentin Tarantino would be a good thing.
Later in the evenings, things get rather deeper. This year's series of Dschungelcamp was genuinely touching as the last two contestants - a 19-year-old boyband member who was abused by his father throughout childhood and a 6'7" drag queen who seemed thoroughly fed up of the whole celebrity lifestyle - realised that they were each the missing element of each other's lives. They remain close friends.
Grayson Perry ending up as a parent figure to Harry Styles is about as close as I can get to a British equivalent.
In fact, reality TV in general dominates the primetime line up, but it does so in a much more tasteful manner than you might expect. Supertalent, similar to Britain's Got Talent, shamelessly invites in professionals from around the world, meaning from week one every show is a variety performance in itself, without viewers being assaulted by sob stories and atrocious singers. Deutschland sucht den Superstar is ongoing, with exactly the right vocalists making it to the live show and the Jedward equivalent being cut at precisely the point he went from entertaining to annoying.
The chap in the tasteful outfit in the middle there.
Crucially, none of these reality shows operate under the pretence that anything they show us is real, and the sooner that becomes the model for other such programmes (particularly in the USA) the better.
Add to this a solid national taste in music: I've never heard Radio 1 play the nine-minute version of November Rain by Guns 'n' Roses at 11 O'Clock on a Wednesday morning, for instance. Radio Erft has provided me with some of the most hilariously inappropriate gym music possible, from this:
to this:
to this:
Truly an eclectic mix, and fun with it.
Finally - although it only really applies to internet crawlers such as myself - the Germans are far less irritating online than the French, managing to abstain from writing extremist manifestos in the comment sections of every online newspaper article or "like if you are watching in 2013!!!" underneath Every. Single. YouTube. Video.
The Sense of Humour
The image of the Germans as a race of serious, studious types who laugh only at slapstick and bad wordplay is a contradictory and outdated one, and unsurprisingly doesn't hold up in real life. The vast majority of jokes I hear here are funny when translated into English as well, which sounds unimpressive until you consider that humour is one of the hardest things to translate due to its cultural aspects and the nuances of language involved. What's more, you can definitely mention the war*: people find it funny that Prince Harry once dressed as a Nazi and there are comedians who made a career out of impersonating Hitler. Sarcasm, puns, satire - the German sense of humour is pretty accessible to anyone who can speak the language well enough.
*Note that this is not always the case: for instance, while Angela Merkel's CDU are more conservative than, well, The Conservatives, you absolutely cannot describe them as right-wing. That term is reserved for the Neo-Nazis, which is a bit nonsensical because they're actually quite left-wing. Similarly, the rapper Bushido once tweeted "free Palestine" and was immediately branded anti-Semitic, regardless of his Arabic origins and genuine academic involvement in resolving the conflict. Oversensitive is an understatement.
The People
When it comes down to it, everything I've just mentioned can be traced back to the people. Far from the humourless, arrogant, rude stereotypes that generally go along with them, I have found the locals to be friendly, accommodating and good-natured. They don't shoot you down for having bothered to learn their language, they care about education and if you require services of them, they provide with the minimum of fuss. Really, they have a lot more in common with the British than either side would like to let on. There are dubbed episodes of Little Britain shown on weekday evenings, and I think that says it all.
Three months away from returning to God's own county (Bedfordshire), home of the English Defence League, that 11-year old boy who fathered a child and, officially, Britain's Crappest Town, Germany isn't looking too bad after all. I have therefore decided to stay here, at least until I know who wins Deutschland sucht den Superstar.
In the end, it's nice to know I'll always have another country I can think of as home.
TJGreenwood.
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